The Singles' Ward

A few weeks ago, I told my bishop I felt like I was ready to attend the singles' ward. It was a tough decision that I had wrestled with all summer. I really wanted to move to Utah, but am struggling with my ability to get there. So I felt I needed to do the next best thing: the singles' ward.

I was getting ready for church one day thinking about the pros and cons of leaving my primary children to go to the singles' ward, when all of a sudden a thought (that wasn't mine) popped into my head: "Why are we still talking about this? You know what the right decision is." That was the day I told my bishop I was ready to move on. He informed me a couple of weeks later that the following Sunday would be my last day, and I was free to attend the singles' ward after that.

I said goodbye to my class that next week. I prepared a card for each of them with their names, the meaning of their names, and why I was grateful to have them in my class. Coincidently, the lesson called for me to bring a treat to share with all the kids, which I found especially fitting. I gave them a group hug and told them how much I loved them (barely holding back the tears) before I let them go that last time. They were all five, so I don't know how much they understood or cared, but I felt it important to stress their importance to me.

I intended to go the the single's ward that next week, but I was fortunate enough to be invited to share my cousin's birthday and went to church with them so I could see him ordained as a deacon. (Again, thanks Ashton for that totally awesome experience!!)

Then, two Sundays ago, I got all dressed up, straightened my hair (which made me a little late) and headed off for the singles' ward. I got to the building to find the chapel full of families. Not a "single" soul in sight. I waited out sacrament in the foyer, and when it was over I went searching for singles thinking perhaps they met in a different part of the building. Still no singles could be found. Feeling shy and discouraged, I went home and emailed a friend of mine to find out why I could find no singles. She emailed me back to let me know I had gone to the wrong building. (I asked three separate people, and they all told me the same place!!)

So, this last Sunday, I again dressed up (but left my hair curly-why go to all the trouble if you might not even find the singles? Besides I like my hair curly) and headed out on my trek to find the singles' ward.

I found them. My friend, Jessica, and her sister let me join them for a very nice day of church. I enjoyed my meetings very much. There were a few people I recognized from institute, so I said hello (I found myself unable to think of anything else to say) and mostly stuck to Jessica. I had always thought of her as shy like me, but apparently she's come out of her shell. She took me around introducing me to so many people. I don't remember anyone's name that I didn't already know.

I felt bad, because people would ask, "Oh, did you just move in?" Unable to lie I'd just say "No."

"So, did you just decide to come to the single's ward?"

"Yes."

I didn't want to have to explain that I was divorced. A few people already know, and word will get around but I didn't want to have to say, "Hi, I'm Marilyn. I just got divorced," and then have to answer all the ensuing questions.

At this point Jessica (bless her) would step in and say, "Marilyn's totally awesome, you'll love getting to know her." I was very grateful to her, even though she was pushing me a little faster than I was ready to go. I had imagined myself just blending into the scenery, but Jessica wouldn't have any of that.

Most of the guys were nice while Jessica introduced me, but that was it. (Which was fine, I probably would've died of lack of oxygen due to hyperventilation if any of them had tried to carry on a conversation with me. I keep telling myself it's time to make friends, but it's so scary to talk to guys. It's never been scary before, but I guess with everything I've been through, I must've put up a wall to try to save myself from getting hurt again while I'm still so fragile.) But the girls: holy cow, I almost did hyperventilate after relief society!! There were so many women, and they all wanted to say hi and welcome me to the ward. It was very nice that they were all so friendly, but also very overwhelming.

They had me sign up for an email notice so I'll know what the activities are each week. Jessica was giving me the run down for this week and I was just blown away by how much they do. They get together 3 or more times a week!! I don't know if I am ready for that. I'll definitely go to institute again when it starts back up, and maybe FHE if I get off work in time... but I don't know if I could handle much more.

I guess I feel a little lost. I had the feeling I had taken a step in the right direction, but it was a blind step. I have no idea what I am supposed to do next and that is a very scary feeling. I have put my faith in the Lord, and I know I am being watched over and lead back toward the path I am supposed to be taking, but I'm something of a control freak. I guess I just have to learn to let go...