Dreams

Last night I had the strangest dream. It was awful, and I can't get it out of my head.

It happened in sequences that were all broken but connected.

Scene one: I was teaching Sunday School to some young women from the ward I grew up in. I'd grown up with their older sisters and brothers; they were only a couple of years younger than I was. Two of them stood out to me. They were sisters/cousins Ashley and Laren (Ashley was Laren's cousin, but because of her family's situation, Laren's family adopted her). I remember Ashley causing some sort of problem and I asked her to settle down so I could finish the lesson. We ended up arguing and I kicked her out of class. I remember feeling horrible about it because I knew Ashley had real problems with her behavior, and I knew she felt abandoned by her first family, and later (though at the point in my dream it hadn't happened yet) her second. In real life, Ashley caused so many problems for her adopted family, they had to send her back to her biological mother. But in my dream, I knew it was about to happen.

Scene two: After class I saw Ashley's adopted mother in the foyer, and apologized for what happened. Marcella told me it was alright and she understood Ashley could be a handful. I could see the illness etched in Marcella's face, and felt worse for adding to her difficulties, especially when I knew she only had days left. In the back of my mind, I realized I was dreaming, and wondered why I would dream of begging Marcella for forgiveness and have her give it to me. I told myself it was what my subconscious mind needed to hear.

Scene three: I was in the chapel of the Lewisville (really it's in Flower Mound) building, and it was packed. I was in one of the overflows sitting behind Sister Whitley. She was looking around for a hymn book, and I realized we were at Marcella's funeral. I was at the funeral alone, though when it actually happened, I went with Patrick. (Marcella died of cancer the year after I graduated from high school.) I looked up and saw sitting next to the pianist, Sister Whitley's son Aaron. I couldn't hold back the tears as I realized his time too was short, and quickly gave her my hymn book. It was the least I could do. Through my tears, I saw my friend Chris looking back at me. He could see I was in pain, so he came back to sit with me. He didn't say anything, but reached his arm out to allow me to rest my head on his shoulder. I knew I would decide he was too young for me and that soon he would leave for his mission and I would never see him again. I knew part of my decision was because my mom didn't like his family, and I could also see the future that would really happen. I knew I would choose Eric, even though I could see that ending too (and in my dream I hadn't met Eric yet). Even though I knew I would hurt him, I laid my head on Chris's shoulder and cried.

My alarm went off at that point, so I don't know how the dream ended. Maybe that was the end. I always dream vividly, but this was so real. It was like I had traveled back in time five years, and could clearly see my future. There was nothing I could do to change it.

I never really interacted with the main characters of my dreams in real life. Those I was close too, (or antagonized by) were either in the periphery or non-existent. In real life, Laren's older sister was in my grade at school and absolutely tortured me, especially in high school. We made up when her mom got sick, because I could see how much she had changed and matured. I'm sorry she lost her mother at such a young age, but it made her grow up. I suppose I was begging for Marcella's forgiveness in my dream, because I always hated not getting along with Andrea. I loved Marcella, and hated the thought she might see me as Andrea did.

Aaron was one of the dearest friends I ever had. Sister Whitley used to babysit me after school, and even though Aaron was three years older than I was, he always hung out with me. He was the closest thing I ever had to a brother, and he had a heart condition that made it difficult for him to have a normal life. When I got to college, I saw him less and less, even though he was supposed to have transferred to my school. He couldn't, because he kept getting worse. He finally got a heart transplant the fall after Marcella died. I was so relieved because I thought surely now, his life would be better. But by that time I was engaged and wrapped up in planning my wedding, and didn't make an effort to see him as I should have. It hurt me when his family didn't come to the wedding, but understood quickly why they couldn't come. Aaron had been diagnosed with throat cancer and died two months after I got married. I didn't even find out he had been sick until the day before his funeral. I was living in San Antonio at the time, so I couldn't even come back for that. I never got to say good-bye.

Chris and I had known each other for a long time, but he was a year younger than I was, and I hung out with the group that was a year or two older than me at church, so we didn't really become friends until they all left for college. He was always my favorite of his family, but I never really thought of him as anything but a chum. I was pretty sure he was hanging out with me because he liked my then best friend, Summer.

So now I am left with the vivid memory of my dream and don't really understand it. It has forced some severely painful memories to the surface. I haven't thought of any of those people in a while. So why would I dream about them now, and why would I be forced to relive some incredibly difficult points in my life and theirs?