Blessings

These past couple of weeks have been so difficult and yet so beautiful at the same time.  I still miss Adam and love him with all my heart.  I think I'll always be sad things did not work out with him.  I'd still give anything for him to change his mind.

But I've had some amazing blessings and insights.  As I've knelt in prayer, studied the Book of Mormon, and attended church, I've learned so much.  I understand that we have our agency, and it is so precious a gift from our Heavenly Father, that He cannot change it or take it away, no matter how much it may hurt another. 

I've learned that my Heavenly Father has a plan for me.  I can't see it, but I must trust that it is there.  My Heavenly Father loves me and wants me to be happy.  Though my heart is broken and in so much pain, I do feel an underlying peace.  As I rely on the Lord and His Atonement, I will be healed.  And I will be better prepared for the next man who comes along and thinks he loves me.

From my relationship with Adam, I learned to understand what love is, what it feels like, and that I am capable of it.  I love him so deeply.  Just as he is.  Flaws and all.  But I deserve that kind of love too.  I deserve to be loved for who I am.  Even when I am crazy, or sick, or sad, I still deserve to be loved.  I learned unconditional love.  It was so beautiful.  This is the kind of love that I must have again in order to be married (again). 

I learned how much my family loves me.  They've all been so kind and supportive.  They all have offered their love and advice.  (The advice from each family member and friend is all nearly identical... It's been quite interesting as it comes from Mormons and non-Mormons alike...)  I am so blessed and so grateful to have been born to such loving people.  They are who I want to be.

I am so grateful for the power of the priesthood.  In my unbearable grief, I sought a priesthood blessing from my Uncle Jonathan.  I am grateful that my uncle keeps himself worthy and willing to share the blessings of the priesthood with me.  He has been able to bless me numerous times as I've struggled over the past couple of years.  He is so in tune with the Spirit, and I love that when his hands are on my head, I know that I am hearing the words of God spoken directly to me.  I'm grateful that my Heavenly Father is aware of me.  He knows my thoughts, fears, desires, weaknesses, and strengths.  He knows what I need to do to heal and be prepared to get back on the path He has set out for me.  I know that as I follow His counsel, I will find happiness.

I have grown and changed so much in just a couple of weeks.  I wish I could share my new insights with Adam.  I'm sure they would bless him and help him to heal too.  But nothing I can do or say can make him see me for who I really am.  It's his choice to love me or not.  And it breaks my heart that he has chosen not to love me.  I wish him all the happiness he can handle.  I wish things could have turned out differently.  I hope and pray that the day will come when we have both healed enough that we can be friends. 

I know I'll always love him.  I'll always be grateful for the amazingly wonderful year he gave me.  Every man I meet from now on will be measured up to Adam.  He so easily could have been the one for me, if but for one different choice.