I am taking statistics this term. Not just Statistics, but Elementary Statistics. And it is kicking my behind. Let me tell you I HATE it. I am really struggling with this one. Working full time and trying to do the homework and tests for this one class leaves very little time for studying for my other class, let alone trying to have a social life. Oh well, only seven more weeks to go.
What are the odds I'll pass the class? Actually, they're pretty good. I'm currently getting an A in the class, but I would not be surprised if that changed at any moment. I know I'll pass. Just not so sure how I'll survive. I think my brain is turning into mush. :)
Tuesday, May 11, 2010
Thursday, March 25, 2010
I Suppose an Update is In Order
Well, to be honest, I have nothing too interesting to report.
I've mostly been focusing on work and school. I'm trying to get my major changed from paralegal studies to organizational communications. My admissions adviser is pretty cool about it, but my academic adviser hasn't returned my call yet. As a matter of fact, he never returns any of my calls. Oh well. I'll get it figured out.
Work is going pretty well. I like most of my coworkers, and they've been pretty supportive through everything. Even most of the customers seem to have mellowed out. I get yelled at maybe a few times a week rather than several times a day. Maybe the economy is starting to turn around?
I haven't heard from Adam. I wish to high heaven we could be friends. He was my best friend first and foremost, and it's really hard not being able to talk to him; to check in with him and make sure he's doing ok. I want him to be happy. I don't really understand how this is so easy for him, to just pretend that I don't exist.
I sort of got asked out on a date. I say sort of because the guy was a texter, and I didn't really want to go out with him in the first place. And then he sort of stood me up. I didn't really care that he didn't show. It just made me miss Adam all over again.
I guess I have good days and bad days. I always know that Adam and I are not supposed to be together right now. I recognize that there are things we each need to do that we were unable to do together. It makes me sad to realize this. But I also recognize that this doesn't mean we can't be friends. That we aren't allowed to care for each other still.
I have spent the last month in my scriptures and on my knees. (Has it really already been a month?!) I have learned so much. I have had the Spirit teach me so many lessons. I am so grateful to my Heavenly Father who is buoying me up. Of course I'm sad. But He keeps the devastation at bay.
I'm trying really hard to put my trust in the Lord again. To let him direct my path and to help me find someone I can love. Someone who will love me too. But there is still that part of me clinging to Adam, wishing, hoping, praying, he might have a change of heart. It would take a miracle. And the funny thing is, that even if he did have a change of heart, I don't know I could go back to him. Even though it's what I want most. I recognize that it may not be what is best for me. But for some reason I just can't stop loving him.
I've mostly been focusing on work and school. I'm trying to get my major changed from paralegal studies to organizational communications. My admissions adviser is pretty cool about it, but my academic adviser hasn't returned my call yet. As a matter of fact, he never returns any of my calls. Oh well. I'll get it figured out.
Work is going pretty well. I like most of my coworkers, and they've been pretty supportive through everything. Even most of the customers seem to have mellowed out. I get yelled at maybe a few times a week rather than several times a day. Maybe the economy is starting to turn around?
I haven't heard from Adam. I wish to high heaven we could be friends. He was my best friend first and foremost, and it's really hard not being able to talk to him; to check in with him and make sure he's doing ok. I want him to be happy. I don't really understand how this is so easy for him, to just pretend that I don't exist.
I sort of got asked out on a date. I say sort of because the guy was a texter, and I didn't really want to go out with him in the first place. And then he sort of stood me up. I didn't really care that he didn't show. It just made me miss Adam all over again.
I guess I have good days and bad days. I always know that Adam and I are not supposed to be together right now. I recognize that there are things we each need to do that we were unable to do together. It makes me sad to realize this. But I also recognize that this doesn't mean we can't be friends. That we aren't allowed to care for each other still.
I have spent the last month in my scriptures and on my knees. (Has it really already been a month?!) I have learned so much. I have had the Spirit teach me so many lessons. I am so grateful to my Heavenly Father who is buoying me up. Of course I'm sad. But He keeps the devastation at bay.
I'm trying really hard to put my trust in the Lord again. To let him direct my path and to help me find someone I can love. Someone who will love me too. But there is still that part of me clinging to Adam, wishing, hoping, praying, he might have a change of heart. It would take a miracle. And the funny thing is, that even if he did have a change of heart, I don't know I could go back to him. Even though it's what I want most. I recognize that it may not be what is best for me. But for some reason I just can't stop loving him.
Sunday, March 14, 2010
Beautiful Sunday
Today was a beautiful day. The sun was shining and the grass was so green. The trees are blossoming and I am just thrilled to have spring here in Texas.
I had such a lovely Sunday. I woke up missing Adam, as I do everyday. But I know that it is time for me to start moving on. I decided to dress up really nice. I wanted to get noticed. I put on a new spring outfit and straightened my hair. I was doing my makeup talking to one of the pictures of Adam. (I can't take his pictures down and sometimes I talk to him. Does this make me crazy?) I was telling him how much I missed him and what a big mistake he'd made because we could have and should have worked. And I love him with all my heart, even still. But he has chosen to go another way and I was telling him it didn't really matter because I was choosing to be happy anyway.
I finished getting ready and looked at myself in the mirror. I smiled my best smile and realized something very strange. I had no idea who was staring back at me. I do not recognize my own face. My eyes have changed, and my cheeks have more definition when I smile. My lips, even my nose look different. I looked and looked and still did not see me. I looked back at the picture on my cabinet. It is one I took of me and Adam when we were first dating. It was the one I had been talking to. The girl in the picture looked like me. The girl in the mirror did not. It was very strange and disconcerting. I turned my head left and right. I smiled and frowned. I made all kinds of faces at myself and still, I did not recognize the person looking back at me.
I realized I was going to be late, so I left for church anyway. Regardless of the stranger in the mirror, I still had a goal. I was going to get noticed. I sat down in the pew just as church was starting when I chided myself for my silly wish. You don't go to church to get noticed! You go to church for the spiritual lessons. To take the sacrament and renew your baptismal covenants. Activities like FHE are for getting noticed. So, I decided not to worry about my original plan and instead focus on what was being taught.
And guess what. I might not have been noticed, but I noticed and talked to three very nice guys. One is an old friend from high school who acted so excited to see me. It made me feel really good. The other two are new to me but it was so easy talking to these guys. I was so proud of myself. I did not feel nervous or self-conscious at all. I'd forgotten my silly selfish reason for going to church today and truly enjoyed the amazing lessons. And I still made three new friends.
I got to go visiting teaching today too. I have this awesome new partner who just moved into the ward from Maryland. Her name is Jennie and we found we have a lot in common. (Maybe that's why I like her so much!) But I spent my afternoon with her (getting lost) and teaching our girls who ended up teaching us as well. So really I made four new friends today.
When we finished, I got in my car (Jennie and I had carpooled and we'd left my car at the church), full of sunshine and happiness. I thought a lot about the day I'd had and how I was truly happy. I was so blessed because I was able to forget myself and focus on others. I had so much fun.
I came home and looked in the mirror. I still don't recognize the girl looking back at me. But I like her. I hope she sticks around.
I had such a lovely Sunday. I woke up missing Adam, as I do everyday. But I know that it is time for me to start moving on. I decided to dress up really nice. I wanted to get noticed. I put on a new spring outfit and straightened my hair. I was doing my makeup talking to one of the pictures of Adam. (I can't take his pictures down and sometimes I talk to him. Does this make me crazy?) I was telling him how much I missed him and what a big mistake he'd made because we could have and should have worked. And I love him with all my heart, even still. But he has chosen to go another way and I was telling him it didn't really matter because I was choosing to be happy anyway.
I finished getting ready and looked at myself in the mirror. I smiled my best smile and realized something very strange. I had no idea who was staring back at me. I do not recognize my own face. My eyes have changed, and my cheeks have more definition when I smile. My lips, even my nose look different. I looked and looked and still did not see me. I looked back at the picture on my cabinet. It is one I took of me and Adam when we were first dating. It was the one I had been talking to. The girl in the picture looked like me. The girl in the mirror did not. It was very strange and disconcerting. I turned my head left and right. I smiled and frowned. I made all kinds of faces at myself and still, I did not recognize the person looking back at me.
I realized I was going to be late, so I left for church anyway. Regardless of the stranger in the mirror, I still had a goal. I was going to get noticed. I sat down in the pew just as church was starting when I chided myself for my silly wish. You don't go to church to get noticed! You go to church for the spiritual lessons. To take the sacrament and renew your baptismal covenants. Activities like FHE are for getting noticed. So, I decided not to worry about my original plan and instead focus on what was being taught.
And guess what. I might not have been noticed, but I noticed and talked to three very nice guys. One is an old friend from high school who acted so excited to see me. It made me feel really good. The other two are new to me but it was so easy talking to these guys. I was so proud of myself. I did not feel nervous or self-conscious at all. I'd forgotten my silly selfish reason for going to church today and truly enjoyed the amazing lessons. And I still made three new friends.
I got to go visiting teaching today too. I have this awesome new partner who just moved into the ward from Maryland. Her name is Jennie and we found we have a lot in common. (Maybe that's why I like her so much!) But I spent my afternoon with her (getting lost) and teaching our girls who ended up teaching us as well. So really I made four new friends today.
When we finished, I got in my car (Jennie and I had carpooled and we'd left my car at the church), full of sunshine and happiness. I thought a lot about the day I'd had and how I was truly happy. I was so blessed because I was able to forget myself and focus on others. I had so much fun.
I came home and looked in the mirror. I still don't recognize the girl looking back at me. But I like her. I hope she sticks around.
Sunday, March 7, 2010
Blessings
These past couple of weeks have been so difficult and yet so beautiful at the same time. I still miss Adam and love him with all my heart. I think I'll always be sad things did not work out with him. I'd still give anything for him to change his mind.
But I've had some amazing blessings and insights. As I've knelt in prayer, studied the Book of Mormon, and attended church, I've learned so much. I understand that we have our agency, and it is so precious a gift from our Heavenly Father, that He cannot change it or take it away, no matter how much it may hurt another.
I've learned that my Heavenly Father has a plan for me. I can't see it, but I must trust that it is there. My Heavenly Father loves me and wants me to be happy. Though my heart is broken and in so much pain, I do feel an underlying peace. As I rely on the Lord and His Atonement, I will be healed. And I will be better prepared for the next man who comes along and thinks he loves me.
From my relationship with Adam, I learned to understand what love is, what it feels like, and that I am capable of it. I love him so deeply. Just as he is. Flaws and all. But I deserve that kind of love too. I deserve to be loved for who I am. Even when I am crazy, or sick, or sad, I still deserve to be loved. I learned unconditional love. It was so beautiful. This is the kind of love that I must have again in order to be married (again).
I learned how much my family loves me. They've all been so kind and supportive. They all have offered their love and advice. (The advice from each family member and friend is all nearly identical... It's been quite interesting as it comes from Mormons and non-Mormons alike...) I am so blessed and so grateful to have been born to such loving people. They are who I want to be.
I am so grateful for the power of the priesthood. In my unbearable grief, I sought a priesthood blessing from my Uncle Jonathan. I am grateful that my uncle keeps himself worthy and willing to share the blessings of the priesthood with me. He has been able to bless me numerous times as I've struggled over the past couple of years. He is so in tune with the Spirit, and I love that when his hands are on my head, I know that I am hearing the words of God spoken directly to me. I'm grateful that my Heavenly Father is aware of me. He knows my thoughts, fears, desires, weaknesses, and strengths. He knows what I need to do to heal and be prepared to get back on the path He has set out for me. I know that as I follow His counsel, I will find happiness.
I have grown and changed so much in just a couple of weeks. I wish I could share my new insights with Adam. I'm sure they would bless him and help him to heal too. But nothing I can do or say can make him see me for who I really am. It's his choice to love me or not. And it breaks my heart that he has chosen not to love me. I wish him all the happiness he can handle. I wish things could have turned out differently. I hope and pray that the day will come when we have both healed enough that we can be friends.
I know I'll always love him. I'll always be grateful for the amazingly wonderful year he gave me. Every man I meet from now on will be measured up to Adam. He so easily could have been the one for me, if but for one different choice.
But I've had some amazing blessings and insights. As I've knelt in prayer, studied the Book of Mormon, and attended church, I've learned so much. I understand that we have our agency, and it is so precious a gift from our Heavenly Father, that He cannot change it or take it away, no matter how much it may hurt another.
I've learned that my Heavenly Father has a plan for me. I can't see it, but I must trust that it is there. My Heavenly Father loves me and wants me to be happy. Though my heart is broken and in so much pain, I do feel an underlying peace. As I rely on the Lord and His Atonement, I will be healed. And I will be better prepared for the next man who comes along and thinks he loves me.
From my relationship with Adam, I learned to understand what love is, what it feels like, and that I am capable of it. I love him so deeply. Just as he is. Flaws and all. But I deserve that kind of love too. I deserve to be loved for who I am. Even when I am crazy, or sick, or sad, I still deserve to be loved. I learned unconditional love. It was so beautiful. This is the kind of love that I must have again in order to be married (again).
I learned how much my family loves me. They've all been so kind and supportive. They all have offered their love and advice. (The advice from each family member and friend is all nearly identical... It's been quite interesting as it comes from Mormons and non-Mormons alike...) I am so blessed and so grateful to have been born to such loving people. They are who I want to be.
I am so grateful for the power of the priesthood. In my unbearable grief, I sought a priesthood blessing from my Uncle Jonathan. I am grateful that my uncle keeps himself worthy and willing to share the blessings of the priesthood with me. He has been able to bless me numerous times as I've struggled over the past couple of years. He is so in tune with the Spirit, and I love that when his hands are on my head, I know that I am hearing the words of God spoken directly to me. I'm grateful that my Heavenly Father is aware of me. He knows my thoughts, fears, desires, weaknesses, and strengths. He knows what I need to do to heal and be prepared to get back on the path He has set out for me. I know that as I follow His counsel, I will find happiness.
I have grown and changed so much in just a couple of weeks. I wish I could share my new insights with Adam. I'm sure they would bless him and help him to heal too. But nothing I can do or say can make him see me for who I really am. It's his choice to love me or not. And it breaks my heart that he has chosen not to love me. I wish him all the happiness he can handle. I wish things could have turned out differently. I hope and pray that the day will come when we have both healed enough that we can be friends.
I know I'll always love him. I'll always be grateful for the amazingly wonderful year he gave me. Every man I meet from now on will be measured up to Adam. He so easily could have been the one for me, if but for one different choice.
Wednesday, February 24, 2010
Heartbreak
I have debated whether or not I should post this. I know there are people who will read this and truly be sorry for me, but I also know that there are a couple of people out there who read my blog (I have no idea why) and I fear they will rejoice in my sorrow. But here it is:
Adam has decided to move on. He does not feel we are compatible, and he says though he loves me, he cannot see himself marrying me.
I am absolutely devastated. Crushed. Heartbroken beyond anything I have ever felt before. I love him with all my heart. I feel as though every fiber of my being is screaming in pain. Adam means everything to me. He is the most amazing man I've ever met. Everything I ever wanted and then some. I could probably list a million things I love about him. I would do anything for Adam. I would walk across the earth, fly to the moon, anything he asked. My heart does not comprehend his reasons for leaving. I learned to believe in soul-mates from him, and I am still convinced he is mine.
I am so sad that he has made this decision. I know we had an amazing future together. I loved dreaming about the day when we would be husband and wife and I would care for him and our family. I would give anything for this to turn out to be just a bad dream.
He not only took his love from me, but he took his family as well. I saw them as my family. His sister was my sister. His brother was my brother. I saw his nieces and nephews as my own. I grew to love and respect his parents so much and I couldn't wait to call them my in-laws. The Ardis family is made up of some very amazing people. They made me feel like I was one of them. I felt safe, at home, at peace, when I was with them.
Where do I go from here? How do I go on? I can't do this. I don't want to do this. I don't want life to continue without Adam.
Everything reminds me of him, and I sometimes can't hold back the tears. I hold it in as much as I can until I get home and as soon as I turn into my parking lot, I burst into tears. I cry until my eyes are dry and cry again every time I think of him.
Adam said everything would be okay. That we would both find happiness another way. My head knows he is right. Humans are designed to survive and adapt. And if I am anything, I am adaptable. But my heart doesn't believe it. I have no desire to love anyone else. I want him. I want his family. I want the life we were meant to have. But it doesn't matter what I want.
What would I say if I had one more chance to talk to Adam?
I love you. Always and forever.
Sunday, February 14, 2010
What Happens When You Feel Sad?
So.... I've had a few struggles lately. And they were starting to get me down. I came home tonight feeling pretty depressed. And I found that Heavenly Father decided to show me He loved me through some girls in my ward who love me too.
To Amber, Eli, Suzanne, Rebecca, and anyone else who contributed but may not have signed a card, thank you. You touched my heart and brought me a measure of peace. I'm not used to being surprised by a kindness and I am so grateful that you found me deserving of one. Amber, your notes were so sweet. Thank you all for responding to the Spirit. You may not have known you were being prompted but you were. I love you too!
Thursday, February 11, 2010
Snow... in Texas?!?!
We're supposed to get 4-6 inches, but maybe as much as 10!! I know that sounds like nothing to my northern family, but come on, 10 inches of snow in Texas?!?! Unreal!!
It has been a beautiful view each time I've gone outside or looked out my window. I think I'm the only person in the apartment complex crazy (or desperate) enough to do laundry today. At least I had my pick of washers and dryers!!
Tuesday, February 9, 2010
Week One Down
I have completed my assignments for the first week of classes!!
One class required me to make multiple discussion postings, take a very lengthy strengths profile test, read 30 pages!! And take a quiz. I was kind of proud of that little quiz...
The other was similar; it also required several postings, but I had to write an essay!! Yikes!! Luckily it was an essay about me and my choices leading me back to school so no research or citations were necessary. Phew!
I won't know until Sunday how I did. But I feel pretty good. One week down--only 900 more to go!!
Ok... so maybe not that many weeks left... :) But it feels like it!!
One class required me to make multiple discussion postings, take a very lengthy strengths profile test, read 30 pages!! And take a quiz. I was kind of proud of that little quiz...
The other was similar; it also required several postings, but I had to write an essay!! Yikes!! Luckily it was an essay about me and my choices leading me back to school so no research or citations were necessary. Phew!
I won't know until Sunday how I did. But I feel pretty good. One week down--only 900 more to go!!
Ok... so maybe not that many weeks left... :) But it feels like it!!
Sunday, February 7, 2010
For the First Time...
... In more than 40 years... They did it!!!!!! Hooray!!!
The New Orleans Saints won Super Bowl XLIV beating the
Indianapolis Colts
31-17.
It was the Saint's first Super Bowl game ever.
And they won.
They were an amazing team to watch - playing with so much heart.
We knew the game was over and won when Tracy Porter made an
amazing interception and ran 74 yards to make a touchdown.
What an awesome play. What a fantastic game.
I'm so glad I got to watch it. I'm so glad that the Ardis' family's
(and all the other die-hard Saints' fans) dream has finally
come true after so many years.
A New Orleans Weekend!!
Yesterday, Adam and his family took me to a restaurant they like in Plano called "The Big Easy". They are a cajun restaurant and were having a live jazz band. It was a lot of fun, but Cajuns don't really make food for wheat-intolerant people. So afterward, Adam, Staci, Andrew and I headed to chick-fil-a to get a snack since Staci couldn't eat anything at all, and the limited food I could eat was not so good.
Today is the SUPER BOWL!!!!! I've never been excited about football, but I've definitely caught the Saints bug from Adam and his family. Bryan is hosting a cajun style super bowl party for the family since this is the first time in franchise history that the Saints have been in the super bowl. I'm excited. It's weird being excited to watch sports on tv. I guess that's what happens when you fall in love!
Well, here's wishing the Saints a historical victory!! Who Dat?!
Today is the SUPER BOWL!!!!! I've never been excited about football, but I've definitely caught the Saints bug from Adam and his family. Bryan is hosting a cajun style super bowl party for the family since this is the first time in franchise history that the Saints have been in the super bowl. I'm excited. It's weird being excited to watch sports on tv. I guess that's what happens when you fall in love!
Well, here's wishing the Saints a historical victory!! Who Dat?!
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